*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
You Might Also Like
Doug is just Canadian for dog
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa