<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over