[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
When the stylist spins you back around
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?