[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Not recommended for beginners.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Still cracks me up
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”