[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!