First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
This could be us but you eatin’
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up