*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
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Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Sniffing the broccoli
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?