*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
barbara was highly relatable
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.