*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
This came to me in a dream.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
it was a valiant fight
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.