*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[noticing that the girl i鈥檓 talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you鈥檝e won a super bowl
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they鈥檙e engaged <3
the first two drinks don鈥檛 count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
When I鈥檓 good I鈥檓 great. When I鈥檓 not good I鈥檓 the piano falling out of the window of people
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it鈥檚 a cat.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Comments like this are why we can鈥檛 have nice things
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?