*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
You Might Also Like
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
consequences, the bane of my existence
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job