*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?