*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.


Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.


*Wife screams*


*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”


COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …


Police detective: so where were you last Monday between the hours of 11 and 2?

Me: dude I can’t even remember what show I was just watching if the commercials play too long


I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”


Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.


Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”


Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?