Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
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If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
How I’d get arrested…
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Police detective: so where were you last Monday between the hours of 11 and 2?
Me: dude I can’t even remember what show I was just watching if the commercials play too long
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
Her: What do your tattoos mean?
Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?