@nicfit75

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

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@MyNameIsArchaic

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@pixelatedboat

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

@amygibbons19

Police detective: so where were you last Monday between the hours of 11 and 2?

Me: dude I can’t even remember what show I was just watching if the commercials play too long

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

@kashanacauley

Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.

@Mr_Kapowski

Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”

@DiamondLou69

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?