*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
🤣🤣🤣
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The French cow says MEUX…
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
lmfao
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.