I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”
[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.
*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.