[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
You Might Also Like
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Ummm
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
A little too much information.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
When your man makes a valid point
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise