*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.