@rad_milk

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

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@WilliamAder

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

@GoldenSpirals

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

@chuuew

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

@milkinhisbag

met ariana grande today, didn’t have a pen and paper so i had her sign my notes

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@dubstep4dads

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

@idiosity

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

@spaceboyriley

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

@rowdyforsheriff

[Kicks open door to bouncy house]

So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night