@rad_milk

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

- @rad_milk

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@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@eff_yeah_steph

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

@thatUPSdude

Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?

@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

@CelebrityChez

Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.

@outsmartedmommy

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

@Bob_Janke

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

@isabelzawtun

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car