[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.