If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
met ariana grande today, didn’t have a pen and paper so i had her sign my notes
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[Kicks open door to bouncy house]
So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night