[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
🏙👨🏼
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.