[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years