Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”