On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.