@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

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@HiddleDeeDee

People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.

@HomeWithPeanut

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.