People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.
Going down on a woman is the best.
The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…
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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]
*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…
Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The stunning clarity of this wave
Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.