@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

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@robdelaney

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

@SketchesbyBoze

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@TheDailySchmuck

“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.

@Roobots

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

@MaybePileJokes

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@tracietom

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?