Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”


millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.


wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”


“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.


does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?


me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not


*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”


Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?