@KateWhineHall

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

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@lakeanagirl

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@Mr_Kapowski

Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity

@Just_BCS

You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

@Try2StopME

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?

@maxi_tea

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.