I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.
Cats being cats.
Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity
You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater
Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Me: So what year is it?
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.