Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.