Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”