ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Yup….perfect score!
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I bet birds love this building.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.