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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone


“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato


[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*




you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel


People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


Grammar is:
1. How we structure our sentences.
2. Grandpa’s wife.

Some of you will pick number two.


What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?


me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno


Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew