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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I always get “never shake a baby” and “cats always land on their feet” mixed up. Anyways I need a lawyer.
Dad: Maybe we should do it
Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids
6: What’s inappropriate Mom?
I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”