You Might Also Like

@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

@thatdutchperson

[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*

“effectively.”

@panmidwest

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Grammar is:
1. How we structure our sentences.
2. Grandpa’s wife.

Some of you will pick number two.

@alfageeek

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

@Dustinkcouch

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew