Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
They did not miss in the small print
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it