I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.