Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.

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me: we have a problem

her: what

me: we got invited to a coldplay concert

her: i love coldplay

me: we have 2 problems


Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is more like opening the freezer and having everything fall onto you.


ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit


I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


Can’t. Bribing my kids to dress up as mimes for Halloween this year so I have one evening of quiet.


I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.


I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he’s in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.


Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.


Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.