@TheAlexNevil

Going to a friend’s surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I’ll act surprised anyway.

You Might Also Like

@rickygervais

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

@iGreenGod

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@BlindChow

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@PaperWash

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?