Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car


I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.


god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan


Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”


Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.


Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.


Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?


Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*


Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen


[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!