Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My first son he is wonderful
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.