@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

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@badAzz_mom

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

@Angibangie

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

@themiltron

god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan

@KenJennings

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@hpb777

Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@briancthayer

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!