always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????