Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
how it started vs how it ended
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I have a type: disappointing
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.