Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I have a type: disappointing
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake