Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store