Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
You Might Also Like
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My work here is don’t.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok