Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75