Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My blood type is b hungry.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?