I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
British websites use biscuits.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me too 😆
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Just so funny
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET