Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!