going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
You Might Also Like
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.