@pant_leg

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

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@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@Cheeseboy22

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@QwertyJones3

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@LouisPeitzman

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

@FunkyFresh_79

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car