@pant_leg

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

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@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@Sickayduh

“Dad, what’s the difference between love and lust?”
– Well, ya know your teddy bear?
“I love it”
– While you’re at school, the dog lusts it.

@daemonic3

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

@ThugRaccoons

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*