*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Dad, what’s the difference between love and lust?”
– Well, ya know your teddy bear?
“I love it”
– While you’re at school, the dog lusts it.
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*