Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE