Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.