[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.


You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.


The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger


Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.


Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent


Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!


INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”


Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks