@bharatunnithan

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

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@DadandBuried

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.

@DonQuickoats

The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger

@lecalabara

Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.

@icrushedmyhalo

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

@WilliamAder

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

@briangaar

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks