Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”