@TwoSapphiresBlu

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

You Might Also Like

@deadstick_ron

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

@lilgapeach30

Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@DrDogMD

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

@hazelmotes1

Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?

@Staggfilms

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

@EmmaUtters

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

@dumbbeezie

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.