[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
CASHIER: have a nice day
Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Her: Will I see you again?
*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Me: It was nice meeting you.