I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.