So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
WTF IS THAT!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.