My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.
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LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
Them: when imma see you
Me: By accident
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?
Me: Lindt truffles.
Me: Dr. Pepper.
HR: Get out.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Hear me out: A printer but it works.