Going to the gym is such a great workout. I never actually enter the building, but the walk there is nice. Sometimes I even walk back.

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My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.



LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers


Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.


[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.


STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.


Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?


HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.


Me: Dr. Pepper.


Me: Redheads….?


HR: Get out.


INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?