Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
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ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
How does one answer this?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Just had my nails done!
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes