I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
mechanics be like
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.