Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

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90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you’re OK with it.


“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”


Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂


You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.


“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation


[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police


Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science


*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*


Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares


If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom