Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
this is funnier than any friends episode
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Asked my friend how he鈥檚 been and he replied saying he wasn鈥檛 doing so great and tbh he鈥檚 in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he鈥檚 gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn鈥檛 take too long to drive through.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven鈥檛 baked it yet.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don鈥檛 fall for it.
I mean I鈥檓 probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
don鈥檛 you dare tell me journalism is dead
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn鈥檛 it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it鈥檚…ummmm, yeah it鈥檚 bedtime. Are you tired!?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won鈥檛 use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It鈥檚 a pretty good workout
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can鈥檛 explain this 馃槶
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.