Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit