@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

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@ficklenuts

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

@GoldenSpirals

I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@3sunzzz

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

@Robert_Beau

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

@realfunghi

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

@aardvarsk

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event