I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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I hate when I buy new shoes,
and I have to learn to drive all over again.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event