Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”


I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.


You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that


When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.


Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels


Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.


Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.


Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*


I am tired of being a part of a major historical event