I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
You Might Also Like
This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
started wrapping my pills in cheese