@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

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@Eightinchgoat

I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?

@waitfortheQ

This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .

@Chumpstring

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@FullGrownChris

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

@lolumOKUR

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight