Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
How to woo a woman
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!