Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Meeeee too!
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?